I appreciate those who commented and gave (all very good) advice and insight in my last post.
The general gist of the comments from that post — The Perfect Storm/What Affairs Are Made Of… — was that I’m surely headed for dangerous waters if I start pouring my heart out to my ex about the major frustrations of my relationship like he just recently did to me about his.
And the thing is…
I know I know I knoooooooowwwww….
It’s a harsh but obvious truth…that I still somehow keep finding it hard to accept.
I did want to say one thing, though. Some of the commenters spoke of how even more dangerous it is to leave your partner in the dark in situations like this, and I just wanted to speak on the fact that my guy isn’t totally in the dark when it comes to this ex. In fact, he’s actually more in the light than in the dark, I would say.
He knows everything about our old relationship (or “semi-relationship,” rather). He knows how into me the guy was then and how things ended up ending until we got in touch again some years later (in fact, my boyfriend was one of my closest friends while me and that guy were dating, so he knew a lot of the stuff right as it was going on!). He was fully aware of everything that happened when the guy came to town that year or so ago and the kinds of things he said and so forth. Actually, even before the guy came to town, my guy had been saying for a while that he figured the dude wasn’t over me and would jump right back on that train (the “me” train :-D) in a hot second if given the opportunity, whether I were already in a relationship or not. And so that visit we had that one time just confirmed my guy’s suspicions.
He also knows that I sometimes compare him and this guy (and others) — I’ve done it aloud mostly just every once in a blue moon, but I’m sure he knows I do it much more frequently in my head.
He knows that my ex and his girl are having problems and the kinds of problems they’re having…and I haven’t actually outright made the connection for him of one of those problems being the same kind of problem he and I have been having because I figure it probably wouldn’t be a mature or necessary thing to do annnd…I’m sure he’s smart enough to figure that part out on his own.
So, yes, needless to say, the dude — my guy, my current guy — knows everything…or at least a whole helluva lot. We talk about a lot. Like I’ve said before, that is definitely one thing I can give us and him — we communicate about MANY things, whether the good, the bad OR the very ugly.
Because my guy is not really the jealous type and we both have somewhat…unconventional…ways of seeing certain things when it comes to the opposite sex that would surely surprise most others (for instance, we’ll each tell the other in a quick second when we see someone of the opposite sex that we find attractive, whether it’s on T.V. or it’s while we’re out and about at a restaurant or nightclub), it actually isn’t too hard talking to him about any past love interests, romantic partners, etc., and vice-versa.
And I do admit — not to him of course, ha! but to…well, this blog, lol — that some of what I tell him I actually purposely do to hopefully motivate him to, just…be better. Like, the affection thing…
When I told him the part about the whole “not showing love” issue that my ex is having with his girl, I was actually hoping somewhere deep down inside (okay, well actually not even that deep down) that he would take note of the fact that this ex who has been crazy in love with me over the years is actually wanting, needing and expecting the same sort of romantic, sexual and emotional desires from HIS woman and I am from MY man…and not as much that I want him to have the thought that if he doesn’t get his act together soon, there’s always another who would be willing to take care of the job for him…but more so just that there are men out there who want these same things and are very willing to give it — that I’m not crazy or too needy or have expectations that are too unreasonable…and it isn’t just a “woman” thing…
I do want my relationship to work and for us to continue to work on it and to end up spending many and many beyond-blissful years together as, one day, husband and wife and then mom and dad, and then grandma and grandpa and so on.
That is why I just hope the communication works. My guy definitely can’t accuse me of withholding ANY thoughts or feelings from him, whether it is in regards to how I feel like he could do and be better or however I may be thinking about or comparing him to someone else, because I’ve shared probably much more than the average person in a relationship, honestly.
But the key is…after I’ve communicated and kept on communicating, what happens next…what is he willing to do about whatever it is that I am communicating to him?
The only way my ex — or any other guy, for that matter — could ever possibly be a threat would be if my guy just chooses to forever do very little or nothing. That’s the way I see it.